Hello from the Windy City!

Don't have time to post much right now, as I'm on my way out to do some shopping on Magnificent Mile. That's right - I'm in Chicago visiting a friend until Saturday. Flew down yesterday morning and am having a fantastic time!

You'll notice that I ate wayyy over my calorie limit yesterday, but I've posted it nonetheless for all to see. I figure doing this will motivate me to stay on course for the rest of the week. That being said, my goal for this week is not to loose but to maintain, so I'm not going to get too flustered over an extra 1,000 calories here or there. Actually, that does seem like a lot - better lay off the baked tortilla chips today! Wish me luck!

2008 in review

I saw this on another blog, and it being a gray, snowy Boxing Day, I figured it was a good time to give it a shot.

2008 in 30 words a.k.a. 2008: the highest highs and the lowest lows (why 30? Anyways...)

Springtime in Europe
Break-up, cry, hurt
Graduate, move home
Trip of a lifetime: HK, China, Australia, Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia
NY Fashion Week
He moves on
Start work, life changes
First death
Attitude shift

Ok, that wasn't exactly 30 words, but I think it gives a nice summary of my 2008, and that's the point of the exercise, isn't it?

Overall, I'm going to label 2008 a "growth" year for me - a lot of great things happened, but a lot of really sh*tty things did, too. The highest highs? Travelling - I visited 3 new continents this year alone. The lowest lows? 2 major losses: the end of my first serious relationship in March and the death of my grandmother in November. To be honest, I spent much of the year mourning the passing of the first of these 2, and I'm finally getting sick of it. He's moved on, so why shouldn't I? I'm not going to let it get me down anymore, and that's why I ended my "synopsis" with "Attitude shift" - I'm determined to start 2009 on the right foot.

By the way - my eating wasn't perfect last night, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Today I'm back to tracking my calories, and am determined to make it to the gym for a good old fashioned sweat session. No malls for me, thankyouverymuch.

Giving into Christmas temptation...

Egads! The past 24 hours have been out of control!! Cookies, cakes, booze, chocolates, ... and the list goes on. But enough is enough. I need a plan to get me through the rest of today, so that tomorrow morning I can wake and be proud of myself for taking (some) control of my eating.

For the rest of day I vow to:

Behave like the person I want to become.

That means:
- Only eating when I'm hungry
- Making healthy choices
- Enjoying a glass or 2 of wine and not feeling guilty about it
- Focusing on having a good time with my friends and family, and not on "how fat I think I'm getting"

I'm sick of living this life. I'm sick of hating myself for binge eating. Christmas is a time when we do nice things for other people, so why don't I turn the tables around and do something nice for myself, as well?

Daily update

For what I ate today, click here.

Exercise:

35 minutes elliptical trainer
22 minutes stationary bike

My first day on Spark People was a success!

Time for a change - sparkpeople.com

The past 24 hours have been a complete and utter disaster on the healthy eating and exercising front. I was prepared going into my work Christmas party - made an effort to stay on plan all day, had a small, protein-rich snack right before I went out (dinner wasn't being served, but appetizers were), brought white wine to the predrink... and then WHAM! the dessert table at the party hit and I was a lost cause. It's like when I see copious amounts of food, all control goes out the window. Why does that happen? I don't know - perhaps I get overwhelmed by the sheer number of calories and fat grams. But happened it did and now I have to pay the consequences for it.

Naturally my plan was to get back on track yesterday. However, yesterday was also my Mother's "Bake Day"- the day when she gets my three sisters and I to help her bake up a storm of shortbreads, sugar cookies, chocolate snow-ball deliciousness things, squares of all varieties, ginger cookies, ... Well, you get the picture. Anyways, being hungover and surrounded by pounds upon pounds of dough, I gave in - a lot. I know my sisters and Mother don't care about what I eat, but I still can't help feeling slightly embarrassed for eating as much as I did. They must think I'm a complete crazy, given that they know I struggle with my weight and always get so mad at myself after every binge.

But today is a new day, and I've already started off on a good foot - I signed up sparkpeople.com. That's right - I'm going to temporarily leave Weight Watchers to try something new and different. I followed a very similar plan to Spark People when I first successfully lost weight (the summer after first year university), and I think going back to basics is a good idea for me right now. I find that with Weight Watchers I sometimes get so focused on making my points stretch, that I loose sight of what's really important: getting the nutrition I need to live a more healthy and active lifestyle. Hence the switch. The other cool thing about Spark People is that it makes it very easy for me to post my daily eating and exercising. I already feel better for taking some control.

That being said, I really wish I had gotten up and weighed myself this morning. I hate weighing myself anytime after first thing, so it's a lost cause now. I just guestimated my weight for Spark People, putting it 2 pounds higher than when I last weighed myself, about a week and a half ago (then, I was 147 pounds, and I'm pretty sure I've gone up since then - in fact, if I haven't gone up, then Jesus himself has been reborn and my metabolism has skyrocketed - one can only hope...) I really need to get back into the habit of weighing myself regularly - it keeps me accountable. When I fall off track I avoid the scale at all costs, which just snowballs the problem.

Speaking of snowballs, it's snowing in Toronto again today. Ay carumba - this is ridiculous! Makes leaving the house to go to the gym, Christmas shopping, whatever seem like mission impossible.

Oh, and on a personal note, decided to stay in last night. At the Holiday Party I got slightly drunk (although I was by no means the drunkest person there), and was hungover as all hell yesterday (ever since I've started working, I can't seem to party like I used to back in university - probably a good thing, actually). Hopefully seeing friends and going shopping today (hence the above rant about the snow), but we'll see how that goes - I fear this could be a city crippling snowstorm!

Christmas party shenanigans

Well, I'm proud to say that since my last entry I've been 100% on track! Here's what I did yesterday:

Exercising:

25 minutes running intervals on the treadmill
10 minutes walking inclines on the treadmill
15 minutes on the eliptical trainer

Total number of activity points earned = 4 (did I mention that I'm on Weight Watchers? Well, now you know)

Eating:

1 apple (1)

Muesli made from:
1/3 cup large flake oatmeal (2)
1/2 cup plain 1% yogurt (1)
1/4 cup Silk Light (0.5)
1 tbsp. Aunt Jemima's Light Maple Syrup (0.5)
1/4 cup frozen blueberries (0)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)

1 coffee made with 1/4 cup skim milk (0.5)
1 container Astro Zero raspberry yogurt (1.5)
1 All Bran chocolate chip bar (2)

Salad made from:
1 oz chicken (1)
1/4 avocado (2)
1/2 tsp. olive oil (0.5)
1/2 large whole wheat tortilla (1.5)

1 Starbuck's Caffe Misto made with non-fat milk (grande) (1)
1 Kashi dark chocolate granola bar (2)
1 banana (1.5)
1 cup grapes (1)

And then I went to my friend's Christmas party, the theme of which was "Italian Feast" a.k.a. the most calories I've ever seen in one room. While I did indulge, I was sure to stay on the straight and narrow for most of the night. My treats for the evening: 1/4 cup white wine (1) and 1 pepperming brownie (3.5). Not including my activity points from yesterday, I have 21.5 flex points remaining to get me to Christmas.

Today's menu:

1 1/4 cup Shredded Wheat 'N Bran (3)
1 cup Silk Light (1)
1/4 cup frozen blueberries (0)
1/2 cup frozen raspberries (0)

1 Starbuck's Caffe Misto made with non-fat milk (grande) 1
1 cup grapes (1)
2 large clementines (2) --> although I doubt they were actually 2 points, probably closer to 1, 1.5 max.

1/2 Tim Hortons turkey sandwich with no sauce (3)
1 serving Tim Hortons Hearty Vegetable soup (1)

1 Zone Perfect Bar (4) --> for the longest time I was counting these as 5 because I couldn't find the amount of fibre in them for the life of me, but now that I know it's 3 gm/bar, they are back in regular rotation

Later today I'm off to my firm's Christmas party. No dinner, just lots of drinks and appetizers, and it should go quite late. I plan on having a mini meal before I leave to keep my hunger at bay.

That is if I even make it to the party - Mother Nature is punishing us poor Torontonians by dumping a sh*tload of snow on the first Friday of the holidays.

My name is Sar, and I am addicted to food

I have a confession to make: I'm a binge eater. And it's ruining my life.

I eat to escape the everyday - food allows me to forget about my daily stresses by focusing my attention on taste. Oh, and how I love to taste chocolate, chips, cookies, popcorn, ... in excessive amounts.

Alright, alright, it's not that bad. It's not so bad that I polish off a box of Oreos in one sitting. It's not so bad that I get two orders of fries at McDonald's, or that I drink a gazillion litres of regular Coke. But I can eat half a two litre tub of fudge-crackle ice cream pretty easily, and I have no problem drizzling a few tablespoons of chocolate sauce on top of it. To me, eating is like peeing when you drink: once the seal has been broken, there's no holding back - I run to the kitchen every 30 minutes with an overwhelming need to satisfy myself.

And I want it to stop. Right now. Right this instant.

Yes, this is my response to a particularly bad binge (which, might I add, only really stopped about 6 minutes ago), but it's also my response to three years of hating myself for overeating.

I hate that I loose myself in food.

I hate not tasting my food because I'm so focused on stuffing it down my throat.

I hate not registering that I'm full.

I hate going to sleep after a binge and feeling my stomach flop to the side.

I hate that I can't work out as hard or as long the next morning.

I hate dressing to cover the 3 to 4 pounds of water weight I retain the next day.

But above all, I hate myself for giving in. For not dealing with whatever it is I'm trying to bury under all that food head on. I need another outlet for my emotions - a more proactive approach to the inevitable "bumps in the road" that we all experience. Because everyone has tough moments, days, months, even years. But not everyone eats to cope with them.

So, to the blog world I turn to get my head out of the fridge and my life back on track.

Now, I should clarify a few things. For one, I'm not overweight. I currently weigh between 145 and 150 pounds, and stand at 5'7". I work out 3 to 4 times a week, once with a trainer, and am quite muscular because of it. I work an extremely demanding and stressful job in Toronto, which sometimes requires me to work into the early morning. I'm currently living at home with my family. For the most part, we get along great. The only catch: my mother is a chef and takes motherhood very seriously - I'm talking 10+ different kinds of cookies at Christmas, homemade truffles, Sunday night feasts, the works. And sure, it's all fine and dandy if you're my younger, skinnier sister who struggles to keep weight on. But for me, it's a daily challenge. I've been following Weight Watchers Online for the past year and a half to help me manage this challenge on a daily basis.

Goals for tomorrow:
1. Weigh myself in the morning (note to self: know that this weight is going to be a few pounds high, due to copious amounts of food eaten today - remember, if I do what I say I'm going to do, this will be highest number I ever see again).
2. Work out for 1 hour at the gym.
3. Follow planned menu (to be posted tomorrow).
4. Drink 3 litres of water at work.
5. Have 1 treat OR 1 alcoholic beverage at friend's Christmas party.

Goals for this blog:
1. Post menu every day.
2. Write, don't eat, my emotions.
3. Aim to be 142 pounds by March 1st, 2009 (net loss of approx. 8 pounds).