Post-binge thoughts

Wow. Yesterday I went wiiild with my eating - 3,500 calories wild! I didn't even know it was possible to each that much! Well, looks like it is. I have never tracked one of my binges before, preferring instead to pretend that they just "never happen". Well happened they did and now I feel like a whale and a half. I guess I should just chalk it up to a learning experience - now that I know how much I'm consuming, I'm going to cut - it -out - for - ev - er.

So, in terms of my January goals, I'm going to count last night as 2 high calorie days. That's what happens when you eat more than 2 times your daily intake - ice cream will be the death of me. So that brings me down to 7 of 10 high calorie days used - and it's only January 17th! Egads! Tonight is going to be high as well, but I can probably keep it within range if I:

1. Burn over 500 calories at the gym today;
2. Keep my calories low (hopefully go into the night at 1,300 calories - totally doable considering it's 11:10 AM and I've just had breakfast - God bless Saturday mornings); and,
3. Limit myself to 5 drinks over the course of the evening.

I've also found that I've had to make some adjustments to my daily routine to keep myself sane. For example, if I eat less than 1,500 calories per day (that includes about 100 - 200 calories from vegetables), I'm ravenous the next. Here is my new, updated plan:

1. Consume 1,500 - 1,700 calories per day - between 1,500 and 1,600 on non-gym days, and between 1,600 - 1,700 on gym days.
2. Work out 4 times per week - Sundays, Tuesdays (personal trainer), Thursdays (Spinning Class), and Saturdays.
3. Bring my lunch to work 2 times per week - I brought my lunch 3 times this week and it was great - delicious, nutritious, and fast - love it!
4. Sleep for 7 hours per night - espeically when I'm getting up at 5:30 AM to work out the next day.
5. Drink more water each day!
6. Walk more! --> Disclaimer: this will be hard to do when it's -25 C outside (yes, I do live in the coldest place on earth - not really, but feels like it with the windchill).

As for a weekly update, I actually had a pretty sh*tty week - one of my really good friends in the same industry as me got laid off and is now stuck in the States with a Visa that expires in 2 weeks and a lease that she has to pay for another 7 months. Horrible, horrible situation. I feel terrible for her!! It's really hit home for me, as well - what if I get laid off? What if I'm suddenly without a job? I've already earned enough to pay off my line of credit, so I'm good and covered for that. I also owe my Father X amount of $$$s, but thankfully the money I'll get back from taxes will cover the bulk of it.

Anyways, point of the story is: after hearing about my friends unfortunate situation, I've decided that I'm not going to move out by March 1st. Maybe April 1st, but even then, I want to have all my bases covered before I do. And I'm not just saying this for monetary reasons, either. If I was to get laid off, I would not want to feel tied to a place in Toronto - I would probably get up and leave on the next plane to Asia/Europe/South America. Or apply to Grad School. Or... or... so many things I could do! Please, God - don't let them lay me off!! But at least if it does happen I'll have a phenomenal back up plan - and the resources to make it happen.

Oh! And I've been in regular contact with the boy from Chicaaago. He's pretty cute - looks like I'm going to see him when I go down for training in Feb., too - keep your fingers crossed for me - that I'll still have my job in Feb. and that if I do, he'll still want to see me!!

Alright, have to get on with my day - lots to do, lots to do!

Giving into Christmas temptation...

Egads! The past 24 hours have been out of control!! Cookies, cakes, booze, chocolates, ... and the list goes on. But enough is enough. I need a plan to get me through the rest of today, so that tomorrow morning I can wake and be proud of myself for taking (some) control of my eating.

For the rest of day I vow to:

Behave like the person I want to become.

That means:
- Only eating when I'm hungry
- Making healthy choices
- Enjoying a glass or 2 of wine and not feeling guilty about it
- Focusing on having a good time with my friends and family, and not on "how fat I think I'm getting"

I'm sick of living this life. I'm sick of hating myself for binge eating. Christmas is a time when we do nice things for other people, so why don't I turn the tables around and do something nice for myself, as well?

My name is Sar, and I am addicted to food

I have a confession to make: I'm a binge eater. And it's ruining my life.

I eat to escape the everyday - food allows me to forget about my daily stresses by focusing my attention on taste. Oh, and how I love to taste chocolate, chips, cookies, popcorn, ... in excessive amounts.

Alright, alright, it's not that bad. It's not so bad that I polish off a box of Oreos in one sitting. It's not so bad that I get two orders of fries at McDonald's, or that I drink a gazillion litres of regular Coke. But I can eat half a two litre tub of fudge-crackle ice cream pretty easily, and I have no problem drizzling a few tablespoons of chocolate sauce on top of it. To me, eating is like peeing when you drink: once the seal has been broken, there's no holding back - I run to the kitchen every 30 minutes with an overwhelming need to satisfy myself.

And I want it to stop. Right now. Right this instant.

Yes, this is my response to a particularly bad binge (which, might I add, only really stopped about 6 minutes ago), but it's also my response to three years of hating myself for overeating.

I hate that I loose myself in food.

I hate not tasting my food because I'm so focused on stuffing it down my throat.

I hate not registering that I'm full.

I hate going to sleep after a binge and feeling my stomach flop to the side.

I hate that I can't work out as hard or as long the next morning.

I hate dressing to cover the 3 to 4 pounds of water weight I retain the next day.

But above all, I hate myself for giving in. For not dealing with whatever it is I'm trying to bury under all that food head on. I need another outlet for my emotions - a more proactive approach to the inevitable "bumps in the road" that we all experience. Because everyone has tough moments, days, months, even years. But not everyone eats to cope with them.

So, to the blog world I turn to get my head out of the fridge and my life back on track.

Now, I should clarify a few things. For one, I'm not overweight. I currently weigh between 145 and 150 pounds, and stand at 5'7". I work out 3 to 4 times a week, once with a trainer, and am quite muscular because of it. I work an extremely demanding and stressful job in Toronto, which sometimes requires me to work into the early morning. I'm currently living at home with my family. For the most part, we get along great. The only catch: my mother is a chef and takes motherhood very seriously - I'm talking 10+ different kinds of cookies at Christmas, homemade truffles, Sunday night feasts, the works. And sure, it's all fine and dandy if you're my younger, skinnier sister who struggles to keep weight on. But for me, it's a daily challenge. I've been following Weight Watchers Online for the past year and a half to help me manage this challenge on a daily basis.

Goals for tomorrow:
1. Weigh myself in the morning (note to self: know that this weight is going to be a few pounds high, due to copious amounts of food eaten today - remember, if I do what I say I'm going to do, this will be highest number I ever see again).
2. Work out for 1 hour at the gym.
3. Follow planned menu (to be posted tomorrow).
4. Drink 3 litres of water at work.
5. Have 1 treat OR 1 alcoholic beverage at friend's Christmas party.

Goals for this blog:
1. Post menu every day.
2. Write, don't eat, my emotions.
3. Aim to be 142 pounds by March 1st, 2009 (net loss of approx. 8 pounds).