I have a confession to make: I'm a binge eater. And it's ruining my life.
I eat to escape the everyday - food allows me to forget about my daily stresses by focusing my attention on taste. Oh, and how I love to taste chocolate, chips, cookies, popcorn, ... in excessive amounts.
Alright, alright, it's not that bad. It's not so bad that I polish off a box of Oreos in one sitting. It's not so bad that I get two orders of fries at McDonald's, or that I drink a gazillion litres of regular Coke. But I can eat half a two litre tub of fudge-crackle ice cream pretty easily, and I have no problem drizzling a few tablespoons of chocolate sauce on top of it. To me, eating is like peeing when you drink: once the seal has been broken, there's no holding back - I run to the kitchen every 30 minutes with an overwhelming need to satisfy myself.
And I want it to stop. Right now. Right this instant.
Yes, this is my response to a particularly bad binge (which, might I add, only really stopped about 6 minutes ago), but it's also my response to three years of hating myself for overeating.
I hate that I loose myself in food.
I hate not tasting my food because I'm so focused on stuffing it down my throat.
I hate not registering that I'm full.
I hate going to sleep after a binge and feeling my stomach flop to the side.
I hate that I can't work out as hard or as long the next morning.
I hate dressing to cover the 3 to 4 pounds of water weight I retain the next day.
But above all, I hate myself for giving in. For not dealing with whatever it is I'm trying to bury under all that food head on. I need another outlet for my emotions - a more proactive approach to the inevitable "bumps in the road" that we all experience. Because everyone has tough moments, days, months, even years. But not everyone eats to cope with them.
So, to the blog world I turn to get my head out of the fridge and my life back on track.
Now, I should clarify a few things. For one, I'm not overweight. I currently weigh between 145 and 150 pounds, and stand at 5'7". I work out 3 to 4 times a week, once with a trainer, and am quite muscular because of it. I work an extremely demanding and stressful job in Toronto, which sometimes requires me to work into the early morning. I'm currently living at home with my family. For the most part, we get along great. The only catch: my mother is a chef and takes motherhood very seriously - I'm talking 10+ different kinds of cookies at Christmas, homemade truffles, Sunday night feasts, the works. And sure, it's all fine and dandy if you're my younger, skinnier sister who struggles to keep weight on. But for me, it's a daily challenge. I've been following Weight Watchers Online for the past year and a half to help me manage this challenge on a daily basis.
Goals for tomorrow:
1. Weigh myself in the morning (note to self: know that this weight is going to be a few pounds high, due to copious amounts of food eaten today - remember, if I do what I say I'm going to do, this will be highest number I ever see again).
2. Work out for 1 hour at the gym.
3. Follow planned menu (to be posted tomorrow).
4. Drink 3 litres of water at work.
5. Have 1 treat OR 1 alcoholic beverage at friend's Christmas party.
Goals for this blog:
1. Post menu every day.
2. Write, don't eat, my emotions.
3. Aim to be 142 pounds by March 1st, 2009 (net loss of approx. 8 pounds).
Listen To This: Eyes On You!
7 years ago
Wow - best of luck to you! I have a hard time understanding what you're going through - but I do understand it not registering when you're full. I used to smoke which signaled the end to each meal. That's one of the reasons I started tracking - I know that 350-400 calorie meals make me full. That's it. I'm done. But I could keep eating and eating. Now I do something different after I eat - instead of smoking I write it down. :) It's helped some... Anyway - best of luck - i'll be reading. :)
ReplyDelete